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WARNINGS, DISCLAIMERS, WAIVERS AND
RELEASES OF LIABILITY
Our lawyer made us
include this so as to cover our asses in case
you're a total moron. Party-Animal translations
are provided [in brackets] to help keep your eyes
from totally glazing over as you read. "The
Company" refers to TheBeerMall (a California
limited liability company doing business as
TheBeerMall.com), and all of its members,
employees, agents, heirs and assigns. "Beer Bong"
refers to any product, in whole or in part, which
is manufactured, sold, distributed, given away or
otherwise provided by The Company. "You" means you
and anyone else that orders, purchases, takes or
keeps in any way, and/or uses in any way, any Beer
Bong. You warrant and represent to The Company
that you fully understand and fully agree that:
(a) A Beer Bong is intended to dispense a large
quantity of beer containing alcohol rapidly into
the body so that quick intoxication of any user is
substantially likely if not certain to occur; [Use
it right, and you'll get a major beer buzz! Life
will be sunny! You may get laid!] (b) If a Beer
Bong is used correctly, the user's blood-alcohol
level, level of intoxication, and rate of
intoxication is substantially likely if not
certain to be high, and the user's blood-alcohol
level and level and rate of intoxication will be
greater than they would be if the same amount of
beer were ingested by the user without the use of
the Beer Bong; [Beer Bong hits will get you more
drunk and drunk faster on less brew! Is this thing
great or what?] (c) By using a Beer Bong, the user
accepts and assumes all risks in any way
associated with the use of a Beer Bong, including,
but not limited to, the risks of drowning or
choking, and the risk of becoming intoxicated and
all risks in any way associated with intoxication,
including injury and death; [You may hurl on your
best friend's new shoes, make an ass out of
yourself by talking smack to the new coeds who
just moved in down the hall, or worse!] (d) The
risks and the inability to fully appreciate the
risks associated with the application or use of a
Beer Bong increase as the user's level of
intoxication increases, and a user may become
extremely intoxicated and not realize it; [Realize
you may be getting smashed and not know it! So
always drink in moderation! You have to know when
to STOP, my man!] (e) The use of a Beer Bong to
dispense beer to anyone under the age allowed by
law, and the consumption of alcohol by anyone
underage, is illegal; [Duh!] (f) Driving while
under the influence of any alcoholic beverage is
dangerous and illegal [Don't drink and drive!
Don't let your friends drive drunk! Jail and car
crashes can change your life in a bad way!] (g)
You shall hold The Company harmless and release
The Company from any claims of any nature, any
causes of action, and any demands for injuries,
damages or other liabilities (including but not
limited to claims for damages to property, claims
for physical or psychological injuries, or claims
for wrongful death) which have been made, could
have been made in the past, or might be made in
the future against The Company due to any
application or use of any Beer Bong by you or
anyone else, regardless of whether such
applications, uses and/or damages were intended or
unintended, or foreseeable or unforeseeable; [If
you or anyone else gets screwed up or screws
someone else up, y'all deal with it cause it ain't
our fault!] And, (h) You expressly waive any
rights you may have under the provisions of any
state or federal law providing in substance that
releases shall not extend to either claims,
damages, or injuries which are unknown or
unsuspected to exist at the time they are
released. [It REALLY ain't our fault!] You are
responsible for complying with any and all laws,
whether they are federal, state, or local -
pertaining to the ownership, possession, and or
use of any of our products. |
